"He knows when you're happy
He knows when you're comfortable
He knows when you're confident
And he always knows when you have carrots."
Want to amuse yourself and your human? Well, here are some fun activities for you!
Poop in the Water Game
This will test your coordination and spatial abilities. Horses all over the world practice this, every day. You must try to poop in your water container (note: drink water first, so you won't go thirsty!). If your water container is too high to poop in, you can attempt to poop on the stall's door, or on the wall. This also gives your human something to do-- when they see what you've done, they will marvel at your special abilities, then happily provide you with fresh water.
Artistic Wood Carving
You can become a wood carver. Use your teeth to chisel the wood of your stall into a beautiful piece of art! At first, you can start with simple shapes -- such as the half-moon bite shape-- and as you become more advanced you can try different forms (big curve shape or multiple bite shapes). Your human will really appreciate this. Some humans will actually remove your artwork from the stall, and put up fresh, new, unchewed boards-- encouraging you to develop your artistic abilities with a fresh, new canvas!
Grain Spilling Game
Try to dump out all of your grain from your grain bucket/container, by turning it over with your nose. It is a fun game. You can even continue to flip the container to be sure that all the grain is dumped on the ground. Then, using your delicate muzzle to guide you, try to pick up all the grain, sorting throught the bedding and poop. Amusing, and it makes your grain last longer. Your human will appreciate it too-- he/she may even bring you a new bucket of grain, or challenge you to become better by using more difficult containers!
Who Can Be The Loudest Contest
If you're stalled with other horses, try a little friendly competition with this game. When it's feeding time, see who can neigh, bang, scream, and kick the loudest in their stalls. Humans will instinctively throw food to the noisiest, most demanding horse, so try to be it. The winner is the horse that the human feeds first.
This not only provides fun for you, but fun for the human as well, because it makes the regular boring task of mucking more interesting. Try pooping in unusual areas. Poop on top of your door latches, or poop on window ledges. Poop in any food containers, or on top of salt licks. Try to poop any place that is not the ground.
(Written by Annamaria at the UltimateHorseSite.com)
20 Ways to Annoy People Without Much Effort
2. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
3. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
4. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
5. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
6. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
7. Sniffle incessantly.
8. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
9. Name your dog "Dog."
10. Practice making fax and modem noises.
11. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
12. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Drum on every available surface.
16. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
17. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
18. ONLY TYPE IN UPPER CASE.
19. dont use any punctuation either
20. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
* (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
* My Wife Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
* I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
* Senior Citizen: Just Give Me My Discount
* Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
* (on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
* I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
* I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
* Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money
* IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be
* Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
* If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
* Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
* I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
* We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
* One careless match can start a forest fire, but apparently it takes a whole box to start a campfire.
* A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
* I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Alternate Ways to Say, "NO"
I'd love to, but...
- I have to floss my cat.
- The President said he might drop in.
- I'm building a pig from a kit.
- There's a disturbance in the Force.
- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
- I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
- I'm being deported.
- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
- I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
- The last time I went, I never came back.
- I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
- I'm having all my plants neutered.
- I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
- I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
- I feel a song coming on.
- I'm trying to be less popular.
- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
- You know how we psychos are.
- I have to study for a blood test.
- My uncle escaped again.
- I prefer to remain an enigma.
- I think you want the OTHER [your name].
- I have to sit up with a sick ant.
- I'm trying to cut down.
... well, maybe.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
THINGS TO LET YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM NORTH CAROLINA :
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
3. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
4.. You know what a 'DAWG' is.
5. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.
6. 90% of NC kitchens will have these five spices/condiments: Morton Salt, McCormick Black Pepper, Texas Pete, JFG/Dukes Mayonnaise and Hunts Ketchup.
7. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and motorsports.
8. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
9. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.
10. You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Christmas.
11. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' to Wally World or Wal-Martin'.
12. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chicken stew weather
13. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
14. We don't need no dang driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dag-nabbit.
15. You understand these jokes and forward them to your North Carolina Friends.
A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD
(Caution: Groaners abound)
* What's Irish and stays out all night? Patio Furniture.
* What do you call a country where everyone drives a red car? A red carnation.
* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
* A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
* Reading while sunbathing makes you well, red.
* A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
* A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
* What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
* A backwards poet writes inverse.
* In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
* A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
* If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?
* If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?
* The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
* You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
* The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
* Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
* Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
* Acupuncture is a jab well done.
* Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
* Without geometry, life is pointless.
English Tips of The Day
* Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
* Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
* And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
* It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
* Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
* Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
* Be more or less specific.
* Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
* No sentence fragments.
* Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
* Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
* Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
* One-word sentences? Eliminate.
* Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
* Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
* Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
* Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
* Puns are for children, not groan readers.
* Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
* Who needs rhetorical questions?
* Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.otos, videos, addons, whatever you want!
A new dog breed is being created every day. Some are cute and some make you go "why?".
Here are some doggie breeds that failed...
* Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso (a dog that folds up for easy transport)
* Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound (a dog for financial advisors)
* Collie + Malamute = Commute (a dog that travels to work)
* Pekingese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso (an abstract dog)
* Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever (the choice of research scientists)
* Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador (a dog that barks incessantly)
* Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point (owned by .... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway)
* Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere (a dog that's true to the end)
Worst Horse Race Announcer
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
My wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out... Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Burke
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Burke are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras ....
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10.. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13.20October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least...
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
25 Reasons Why Men are Generally Happier Than Women
1. Chocolate is just another snack
2. You can never be pregnant
3. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky
4. Watching a football or baseball game is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a day
5. Same work, more pay
6. Farts aren’t a crisis
7. Both beer and cold left-overs are a perfectly acceptable breakfast
8. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them
9. One mood all the time
10. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat
11. With the possible exception of a bookie, there is NO ONE with whom you have to speak on the phone every day
12. A ten-day vacation requires only one suitcase
13. You can go to the store, (especially the hardware store), in a stained shirt and dirty jeans You can go to a bar looking the same way
14. The world is your urinal
15. The only “window shopping” you ever would do would be to buy actual windows
16. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack
17. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough
18. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes
19. Buying a bathing suit takes less than 5 minutes
20. Everything on your face stays its original color
21. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades
22. You can eat dinner in six minutes or less
23. You only have to shave your face and neck
24. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife
25. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes
Shetland Pony Grand National
French and Saunders - Ponies
It starts getting funny at 1:18
Cars like computers?
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we
would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy
a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off
the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For
some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning
7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9.. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the
same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off. - My personal favorite
PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer
service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language
how to fix your car yourself!!!!
Top Reasons Why Dressage Arenas Are Lettered the Way They Are:
- After riding 500 20m circles in rapid succession, who can remember the alphabet?
- The letters are consecutive and in alphabetical order, in a now extinct language spoken only by early 18th century Hanoverian carriage horses.
- The very first dressage arena was designed by the lowest-bid contractor.
- The letters were originally laid out by beleaguered riding pupils to facilitate pranks on their instructors, in which the pupils would pretend to be schooling various movements and figures while actually spelling out slanderous curses, in German, against their cruel and heartless instructors, their diabolical horses, and whatever silly person invented this dressage thing in the first place.
- The letters are actually advertising billboards paid for by Sesame Street (This piaffe-passage transition was brought to you by the letter G!).
- Well, the letters are supposed to be in alphabetical order, but somebody's Trakehner keeps getting out at night and rearranging them.
- The other letters in the alphabet are there all right, they're just invisible--what do you think your horse has been spooking at all these years?
- What, you mean they're NOT in alphabetical order? Hey, that would explain why nobody else seems to understand how I've organized the office files...
CREATIVE PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
- The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
- I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
- She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
- A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
- The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
- Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
- A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
- Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.
A few more puns for the week weak...
- I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
- A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
- A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
- The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
- The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
- A backward poet writes inverse.
- In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your Count that votes.
- When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
- Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects!
- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
- Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
- Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
- Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
- Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
- Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
- Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
- If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
- You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your
pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of
one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up
and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What in the world was that
She replied, "Your horse called."
Tennesse Walker X Friesian = Walking Freezer
Quarter Horse X Halflinger = Three-Quarter Horse
Quarter horse X Warmblood= Warm Horse
Foxtrotter X Irish Hunter= Fox Hunter
Shire X Fallabella = Shy Fella
Fell Pony X Don = Fell Do'n
Paint X Palomino = Paint Pal
Halflinger + Jutland= Half Jug
Fjord Pony X Gypsy Vanner = Ford Van
Icelandic X Hackney = Ice-Hack
Oldenburg X Westphalian = Old West
Saddlebred X Appaloosa= Saddle-loosa
Brabant X Friesian= Antifreeze
Appaloosa X Danish Warmblood = Apple Danish
Halflinger x Quarter= Half Quart
Oldenburg+Saddlebred= Old Saddle
Gotland X Appaloosa = Gotloose
Ardennaise X Noma =- Nomayonnaise
Welsh X Shetland = Wetland
Only in America...
· can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
· do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
· do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
· do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
· do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
· do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
· do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
· do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
· do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.
Real 9-1-1 calls
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
C aller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
A whole lotta Pun for you today:
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
4. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
7. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
8. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Some 'Groaners' to get you through the day.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
What do you get from a pampered cow?
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Haiku to the Wonderful Red coat
I have this great red coat that, admittedly, is getting a little worn, my boarders have threatened to hide it next time I wore it out, when I couldn't find it I wrote this poem for it.
Wonderful red coat
You have kept me warm and dry
now you have vanished
The replys I received back:
that was beautiful
i wipe a tear from my eye
shed for lost red coat
Big dogs visit barn
Red coat tug-o-war play ensues
Next play "Eat the Fluff"
coat dispensing fire
blazes higher when it's fed
that should do the trick
bleach and detergent
scrub scrub scrub scrub scrub the coat!
it is still brown. Yuck.
windy windy day
blow away dirty old coat!
never to be found
Such a happy day!
Beloved red coat is found!
(who will hide it next?)
Such a shame, poor coat
Visions of heaven were yours.
Once again barn bound??
Love has made you real
like the Velveteen Rabbit
Is replacement likely?
Patricia (I still wear the red coat, who could give into fashion fanatics? I'm just careful where I leave it)
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS AT FENRIDGE by Christina Johnston 2003
T'was the night before Christmas And all through the farm The horses were stirring Around in the barn The Crackpots were home In their respective places Tucked into beds With bright smiley faces But back in the stalls, Though put in for the night The horses of Fenridge Knew "something's not right" The nickers and neighs And a lone, soft whinney Said "hey, something's up" Oh what can it be? So Breeze, known as Spot Said "I'll check it out" And Ace opened his door, And Breeze tip-hoofed right out Silly Andy just shivered, Silent Jake kept on sleeping Brave Gem was on lookout And Bart dream't 'bout eating. Virgel was sleepy And only peeked out Over his stall door To see what was about Moet, he just noodled And McFlurry, took fright Just like Moonpie and Samson Who were there for the night The po's, Ma and Katie Stood silently by, Nolan, uncertain, He started to cry. The kids, Larry Big Head And Romke (who's two) Were too young to know What to say or to do Nate, Wagoner and Banker Were looking wide-eyed Around in their stalls All inside and outside Classy, Tuxedo And Maddie and Charm Soundly slept in their stalls All was calm at their farms But Olivia was hopping Around in her glee She knew what was up As did Old Wise Robbie For on the night before Christmas Each year at this time (I think it was maybe A quarter to nine) From out of the house Comes a man, moving fast To bring each horse of Fenridge A holiday snack He passes out carrots He passes out crunchies He passes out mints And special horse munchies He worked very quickly And stayed to his task And gave treats to the horses Right down to the last He finished his work To each horse gave a pet And returned to the house Where Patricia still slept And though it's a secret That the horses won't share It's the horse loving Matthew Who plays Santa each year!
T'was the night before Christmas
And all through the farm
The horses were stirring
Around in the barn
The Crackpots were home
In their respective places
Tucked into beds
With bright smiley faces
But back in the stalls,
Though put in for the night
The horses of Fenridge
Knew "something's not right"
The nickers and neighs
And a lone, soft whinney
Said "hey, something's up"
Oh what can it be?
So Breeze, known as Spot
Said "I'll check it out"
And Ace opened his door,
And Breeze tip-hoofed right out
Silly Andy just shivered,
Silent Jake kept on sleeping
Brave Gem was on lookout
And Bart dream't 'bout eating.
Virgel was sleepy
And only peeked out
Over his stall door
To see what was about
Moet, he just noodled
And McFlurry, took fright
Just like Moonpie and Samson
Who were there for the night
The po's, Ma and Katie
Stood silently by,
He started to cry.
The kids, Larry Big Head
And Romke (who's two)
Were too young to know
What to say or to do
Nate, Wagoner and Banker
Were looking wide-eyed
Around in their stalls
All inside and outside
And Maddie and Charm
Soundly slept in their stalls
All was calm at their farms
But Olivia was hopping
Around in her glee
She knew what was up
As did Old Wise Robbie
For on the night before Christmas
Each year at this time
(I think it was maybe
A quarter to nine)
From out of the house
Comes a man, moving fast
To bring each horse of Fenridge
A holiday snack
He passes out carrots
He passes out crunchies
He passes out mints
And special horse munchies
He worked very quickly
And stayed to his task
And gave treats to the horses
Right down to the last
He finished his work
To each horse gave a pet
And returned to the house
Where Patricia still slept
And though it's a secret
That the horses won't share
It's the horse loving Matthew
Who plays Santa each year!